Updates From April, 2004

An Update From Someone Who Ain’t Glaze
posted by matt on 04/09/2004
Yo yo yo, it's Matt here with the update. I have the pleasure of talking to you assholes because Glaze is busy (probably oiling his thighs or something). So before i get to what's new, i thought i'd take this opportunity to talk to you about safety. There's a lot of danger in this world, and most of it you can't even see. We call such dangers "silent killers." And the most deadly of the silent killers in this world or any other is mute gnomes. Mute gnomes are so deadly because they are bitter about being mute. You see, therapy isn't available to gnomes (and therapy wouldn't even work, since they can't talk. Idiot.). Also, gnomes are drunk all the damn time. Seriously, gnomes only need like half a beer to get totally ripped, probably because they are so small. I don't know the exact reason because I am not a scientist. Gnomes also like mushroom pizza, and will kill you for just a bite. Even a small one. I heard once that one mute gnome killed an entire family in New Jersey on Christmas Eve because they didn't wear Reeboks. That's some scary stuff. So what do you do if you come face to face with a mute gnome? There are a few methods that will save your ass: 1. Run like the wind. 2. Offer the gnome money or, failing that, a breath mint (they love Mentos). 3. Just step on the fucking thing. It's a gnome, for God's sake. CRISIS CRISIS EMERGENCY: We need your help at IrishToothache. We lost the surfing video. None of us have it on our computers. If you have it, please send it to Glaze, and you will be featured in a cartoon all about how awesome you are and how hot people like you and give you oral. Anyway, there's a crap ton of new stuff you should be checking out right now. You NEED to hear Da Clink, the hottest new ish to hit the web since that fucking Maddox guy. Also, there's some birthday songs for Matty L. and Matt Laskin, neither of whom are me and therefore i don't care about them. But check out the songs. There's also a 10 minute long birthday song for a dude named Mike, but it's not good, so don't waste your time with it. And Punch Dat Ass will have you changing your pants because they will be soaked with fluid. Also, me and the Glaze did some songs for people at WMUC. One is a theme song for this guy who has no chin (i'm not even kidding. NO CHIN), and the other is a sweet rap that rips on the guys who do a show before us. They were supposed to have a rebuttal this week, but they are cowards. There's some comedy skits up there too. They are funny because i am in them. And check back soon, because Stubbs and Glaze are working on some new tracks, and so are Skeltz and E-Dub. Stay tuned for that, you bastards.

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